If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
