I'm jealous of your bromance
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
50% drunk capacity currently
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
