the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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