Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
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i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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