I wish I could punch you in the face.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
