Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
