she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
