im having a threesome with these popsicles
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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