Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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