When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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