Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
