Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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