i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
