I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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