Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
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You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
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The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.