woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
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If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.