Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
