he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
