tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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