It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
