why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
operation harelip BJ is a go
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
