Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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