Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
