is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
