so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Boobs are out for the taking
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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