Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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