There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
