I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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