I should be sponsored by Trojan
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
