Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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