I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
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The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
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I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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