he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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