Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
