I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
