i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
