Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
