fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
