Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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