just come out here and I will go home with you...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
