I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
