i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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