you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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