It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
