Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
