So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
