I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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