Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
