I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
