What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
