Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
