What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
