I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
