So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
