no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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