I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
