You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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