as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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