I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
