So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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