I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
