The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
